This line is from a Gaslight Anthem song. It makes me realize how afraid that I am of getting hurt by people. I refuse to allow myself to get close to people at all. Whenever I do I really fuck myself up inside.
I have no emotional stability at all. I can fall in love with a woman who is nice to me. I really do not know how to have a relationship with a woman. I am not even talking about a romantic type of relationship either. I mean any type of relationship at all.
The shrinks would tell you that this is a result of my "Family of Origin". My mother is the cause in my case......
She did work in Washington DC for a while at a Navy office or someplace like that. Sometimes, when my paranoia is running high, I think that she and my dad are just government employees who raised me as a part of some conspiracy to keep me protected from the Russians, or whoever was our enemy at that time. I like to think that I have some sort of importance to someone, even if it is to an agency with some fucked up agenda.
My life isn't that cool to me. I have some pretty good depression that keeps me from thinking very highly of myself. I can do a few small things for a person, but I would rather not. I don't want to develop any sort of false dependence on another person. I try to help people anonymously, but that can be a dangerous business. This one time I helped a woman with a flat tire and after the tire was fixed she felt she had to show me that she had a knife and told me that her daughter must have left it in the trunk by accident. I took the hint and got the hell out of there.
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