Andy

Has it really been nine months? I am still crying whenever I think about you. I really lost it a couple of days ago. I was bawling and trembling. My sleeve was damp from the tears. Anytime I see a tall, skinny, hunched over person I have a flashback of the last night I saw you. I told you I loved you, but we didn't hug.

I am listening to a lot of jazz lately. I just wish you were still here to counsel me on what to listen to next. You always had an impeccable taste in music. I love you and wish you were still here.

Fuck you death.

So What

So What

I am very tired.
The child in the room is obnoxious.
Swearing and cackling.
No sense of boundaries.
I must sleep.
Before I lose it for real.

I must lose it for real.
Before I can learn to maintain.
A reality I care not for.
But must maintain
for posterity sake.

So sleep she calls.
I must obey.
Or look for sanity
some other way.

I don't fit in
It must begin
The change to come
I may not win

Phish - Deer Creek. Wilco is amazing!

Deer Creek

Well it's over. Some great times and music with family and friends. It's 2:16 in the morning and Matt is driving. We are listening to Wilco's first album A.M. I forgot how good this album. Straight up country rock music. Can't beat it.

Phish played an amazing show and I really danced my ass off during the second set. There was a whole group of us and some really good energy in the air. Fluffhead was amazing.

We are going to listen to Summerteeth, another Wilco album, next. This is the one that Wilco hooked me with. Every song is great. The bells and strings of "Can't Stand It" still make me feel like a kid on Christmas. The lyrics are cryptic yet familiar. The whole album is a treat and has a lot of Jay Bennet's best orchestration. She's a jar is a wonderful thing. Here's the lyrics:


She's A Jar Lyrics

She's a jar
With a heavy lid
My pop quiz kid
A sleepy kisser
A pretty war
With feelings hid
She begs me not to miss her

She says forever
To light a fuse
We could use
A hand full of wheel
And a day off
And a bruised road
However you might feel
Tonight is real

When I forget how to talk, I sing
Wont you please
Bring that flash to shine
And turn my eyes red
Unless they close
When you click
And my face gets sick
Stuck
Like a question unposed

Just climb aboard
The tracks of a trains arm
In my fragile family tree
And watch me floating inches above
The people under me

Please beware the quiet front yard
I warned you
Before there were water skies
I warned you not to drive
Dry your eyes, you poor devil

Are there really ones like these?
The ones I dream
Float like leaves
And freeze to spread skeleton wings
I passed through before I knew you

I believe it's just because
Daddy's payday is not enough
Oh, I believe it's all because
Daddy's payday is not enough

Just climb aboard
The tracks of a trains arm
In my fragile family tree
And watch me floating inches above
The people under me

She's a jar
With a heavy lid
My pop quiz kid
A sleepy kisser
A pretty war
With feelings hid
You know she begs me not to hit her

Great music

GeoTagged, [N40.00249, E85.93594]

Lot

On the lot chilling in the shade before going in. Pretty cool scene. Heard "The Weight" wafting through the air and it reminded me of how great The Band is. Their influence is still apperant in bands today. Dr. Dog is heavily influenced by The Band. Their songs combine the best elements of Rock, folk, pop and soul to create modern masterpieces. Their album "We All Belong" is a masterpiece in my opinion. All of their records have great songs, but the flow of "We All Belong" and the strength of every song holds it above the rest. I reccomend you go right out and buy it!

Don't forget to support local record stores in your area. Culture Clash in Toledo has a knowledgable staff and they are always helpful. Give a shot out to your favorite local business here.

Gone Phishin'

Ok. I finally found a simple, free blog editor called "Pen To Blog" for my phone. I don't like it cause i cannot type in landscope mode or corract spelling. More later.......

Ok no landscape mode or spellcheck here either. The UI is more appealing so I will stick with it.

In Indiana for a Phish concert at Deer Creek. Say what you will, I enjoy their music. I understand why some may not.

-doc

Arcade Fire

The Arcade Fire has the #1 album in America. The Suburbs is an amazing album too. The pop melodies combine wonderfully with the techno (like) beats and melancholy lyrics. I am impressed that they have broken down the walls of shitty American "pop" music and proved that a really talented band can achieve commercial success while maintaining their independent qualities. Their ticket price is bound to increase, but that concert has got to be amazing. Give it a listen and let me know what you think.

A Great Day

Today is a great day. Just one more day before Phish at Deer Creek. Just one day after some weird person really freaked me out. I was shaking and felt like I was going to vomit. Vulnerability is a real bitch sometimes.

The day after a really messed up day is always fantastic. It seems as if the worst is behind me. A friend will seem to have a really bad day when I am having a good one. Seems odd how we are not all crazy at the same time.

As I write this, I can tell that I am tired. My paranoia starts creeping in and I can get into some pretty scary places. It is almost manageable tonight. I just have to return my thoughts to A Love Supreme and I can get back to a point of reasonableness.

Happy

I am really happy today. I have a darling wife and two children who absolutely adore me.My employer pays me an outrageous salary to do the one thing that I love most in this world. I have no financial woes and wasn't abused as a child. My friends are all well-adjusted people and we enjoy a few drinks on the weekend. My car gets 65 MPG and runs on expired Dr. Pepper.I love my life.

you told me fortunes in american slang

I have developed an infatuation: The Gaslight Anthem. I don't know why, but listening to their albums makes me feel whole. This says two things about me. 1. I am not a whole person yet. 2. I am co-dependent with music.

Most people have infatuations with women, or cars, not me! I develop infatuations with music and literature. What a rush. I can smile for a while and the rest of the shit that I fret over takes a backseat. I introduce this music to my friends, but I don't think they need it like I do. It would be interesting to know.

Please excuse this babbling mess of a blog entry.

The times they are a changin'

A lot of these titles come from books or movies that I love.

These neighbors of mine are troublesome. The Woman, I am not sure if they are married but they do have a kid, is always the one to cut the grass. Except for today the Man did it. One of their mothers is visiting and he is taking the responsible lawn mower role. This disturbs me. I guess I can't judge too harshly since this is about the only aspect of their relationship that I have ever seen. Maybe he does the dishes, laundry and the cooking so she does the lawn. This wouldn't explain why he is doing the lawn today. I have never been in a relationship with any woman but either so I guess my opinion doesn't mean shit.

My parents didn't raise me. I raised myself with the help of television, which provided me with my sense of old-fashion idealism. I have a feeling that this type of mindset will not work in this modern world. I'm fucked. At twenty-nine years old I have to rearrange my whole worldview. That is what I get for wasting the latter part of my teenage years and early twenties getting "wasted" and isolating myself from the human race.

fraud in the homeland!

Listening to some old Miles Davis now, an album called Workin'. (I never can tell if I get the period/ quotation mark order correct and I can't figure out how to underline a title in this blog editor thing. Maybe I should google it. I could type in MS Word, but that doesn't seem as alive as typing in a blog so my writing might become more sterile.) Pretty good stuff. I actually have my jazz playlist on shuffle so every song is a mystery.

I want to get a dog. I think my need for other humans might diminish some.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I probably shouldn't read books about depression too much, but I am drawn to them like a flea to a dog's ass. This book is about a kid with mental problems. Since I haven't matured much since I was the protagonist's age, I feel similar to how he does a lot of the time. I just read the part when he eats LSD for the first time. He probably wishes that he could have lived in a time, or at least a place where people would understand the mind of a person who has been affected by a drug that recreates the way he normally felt. Then again, a lot of people who might understand would also be crazy and very annoying.

I have never liked a certain type of people. The people who try to be different just for the sake of being different. They do all sorts of outlandish things to try to prove to all of their clever friends how clever they can be. The have no idea how easily it comes to the truly weird. The things they put so much effort into come naturally to us. It is sort of entertaining, but at the same time very sad. The activities they find important, like chasing girls and putting people down for being weird, do not concern themselves with truly weird people. Real weird people are put in a precarious position by these legions of wandering sheep in wolf's clothing.

Everybody leaves, and why wouldn't you?

This line is from a Gaslight Anthem song. It makes me realize how afraid that I am of getting hurt by people. I refuse to allow myself to get close to people at all. Whenever I do I really fuck myself up inside.

I have no emotional stability at all. I can fall in love with a woman who is nice to me. I really do not know how to have a relationship with a woman. I am not even talking about a romantic type of relationship either. I mean any type of relationship at all.

The shrinks would tell you that this is a result of my "Family of Origin". My mother is the cause in my case......

She did work in Washington DC for a while at a Navy office or someplace like that. Sometimes, when my paranoia is running high, I think that she and my dad are just government employees who raised me as a part of some conspiracy to keep me protected from the Russians, or whoever was our enemy at that time. I like to think that I have some sort of importance to someone, even if it is to an agency with some fucked up agenda.

My life isn't that cool to me. I have some pretty good depression that keeps me from thinking very highly of myself. I can do a few small things for a person, but I would rather not. I don't want to develop any sort of false dependence on another person. I try to help people anonymously, but that can be a dangerous business. This one time I helped a woman with a flat tire and after the tire was fixed she felt she had to show me that she had a knife and told me that her daughter must have left it in the trunk by accident. I took the hint and got the hell out of there.