you told me fortunes in american slang

I have developed an infatuation: The Gaslight Anthem. I don't know why, but listening to their albums makes me feel whole. This says two things about me. 1. I am not a whole person yet. 2. I am co-dependent with music.

Most people have infatuations with women, or cars, not me! I develop infatuations with music and literature. What a rush. I can smile for a while and the rest of the shit that I fret over takes a backseat. I introduce this music to my friends, but I don't think they need it like I do. It would be interesting to know.

Please excuse this babbling mess of a blog entry.

The times they are a changin'

A lot of these titles come from books or movies that I love.

These neighbors of mine are troublesome. The Woman, I am not sure if they are married but they do have a kid, is always the one to cut the grass. Except for today the Man did it. One of their mothers is visiting and he is taking the responsible lawn mower role. This disturbs me. I guess I can't judge too harshly since this is about the only aspect of their relationship that I have ever seen. Maybe he does the dishes, laundry and the cooking so she does the lawn. This wouldn't explain why he is doing the lawn today. I have never been in a relationship with any woman but either so I guess my opinion doesn't mean shit.

My parents didn't raise me. I raised myself with the help of television, which provided me with my sense of old-fashion idealism. I have a feeling that this type of mindset will not work in this modern world. I'm fucked. At twenty-nine years old I have to rearrange my whole worldview. That is what I get for wasting the latter part of my teenage years and early twenties getting "wasted" and isolating myself from the human race.

fraud in the homeland!

Listening to some old Miles Davis now, an album called Workin'. (I never can tell if I get the period/ quotation mark order correct and I can't figure out how to underline a title in this blog editor thing. Maybe I should google it. I could type in MS Word, but that doesn't seem as alive as typing in a blog so my writing might become more sterile.) Pretty good stuff. I actually have my jazz playlist on shuffle so every song is a mystery.

I want to get a dog. I think my need for other humans might diminish some.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I probably shouldn't read books about depression too much, but I am drawn to them like a flea to a dog's ass. This book is about a kid with mental problems. Since I haven't matured much since I was the protagonist's age, I feel similar to how he does a lot of the time. I just read the part when he eats LSD for the first time. He probably wishes that he could have lived in a time, or at least a place where people would understand the mind of a person who has been affected by a drug that recreates the way he normally felt. Then again, a lot of people who might understand would also be crazy and very annoying.

I have never liked a certain type of people. The people who try to be different just for the sake of being different. They do all sorts of outlandish things to try to prove to all of their clever friends how clever they can be. The have no idea how easily it comes to the truly weird. The things they put so much effort into come naturally to us. It is sort of entertaining, but at the same time very sad. The activities they find important, like chasing girls and putting people down for being weird, do not concern themselves with truly weird people. Real weird people are put in a precarious position by these legions of wandering sheep in wolf's clothing.

Everybody leaves, and why wouldn't you?

This line is from a Gaslight Anthem song. It makes me realize how afraid that I am of getting hurt by people. I refuse to allow myself to get close to people at all. Whenever I do I really fuck myself up inside.

I have no emotional stability at all. I can fall in love with a woman who is nice to me. I really do not know how to have a relationship with a woman. I am not even talking about a romantic type of relationship either. I mean any type of relationship at all.

The shrinks would tell you that this is a result of my "Family of Origin". My mother is the cause in my case......

She did work in Washington DC for a while at a Navy office or someplace like that. Sometimes, when my paranoia is running high, I think that she and my dad are just government employees who raised me as a part of some conspiracy to keep me protected from the Russians, or whoever was our enemy at that time. I like to think that I have some sort of importance to someone, even if it is to an agency with some fucked up agenda.

My life isn't that cool to me. I have some pretty good depression that keeps me from thinking very highly of myself. I can do a few small things for a person, but I would rather not. I don't want to develop any sort of false dependence on another person. I try to help people anonymously, but that can be a dangerous business. This one time I helped a woman with a flat tire and after the tire was fixed she felt she had to show me that she had a knife and told me that her daughter must have left it in the trunk by accident. I took the hint and got the hell out of there.